Head all over the place

I thought of particular subjects througout the day to talk about on my blog tonight but my mind is racing. What with? Several themes, like a bouncy ball from one part of the floor to another. Let me try and get some order: -

• One of my usuals...the bad boy (I should really stop calling him this...but should face it, this is what he is)
• Leaving the country for a year next week
• Eating
• Yoga
• Work
• Language learning
• Tiredness
  

This is helping me to order my thoughts. One thing I have been thinking about is whether to drink or not at friends wedding this weekend. I feel like I really can't stay up for long if I don't.
My mind, my body is like a whirlwind. I am incredibley tired though. I had a private yoga class after work today. Really want to get up tomorrow (early) for extra practice. Bad boy called again, should I just cut off ties with him as of now and concentrate on the exciting year ahead??

Crazy times

My internet connection ran out so i couldn't update the last week but lots of things been happening!
It's less than 2 weeks now until I leave....am I prepared...maybe no but I don't feel stressed so good sign.
I've been covering a friends yoga lessons and have to say I really enjoyed it. iwas called a sales women once but this only becauce I truely believe in the countless benefits of yoga and I am not being paid by ANYONE to say this...just a thought from the heart.
I am staying in the hotel at the moment...it has been fantastice but sad to say goodbye to my bad boy who is snoring away as I write. Maybe we will meet when I come back, maybe not. Maybe it's just the end to an 'emotional' chapter of my life but fun times I have had.

3 weeks today

I will be in Tokyo. How exciting it will be to be in Asia again. Tomorrow i will pack but I forgot how to pack for a year. It will come back to me I'm sure. My body is aching from the vinyasa flow i did last night. Particularly my hamstrings.

I went out for dinner (again) with a moroccan girl who is with us for a week at work. We sem to get on quite well. Another contact I have made in this small small world of ours. I ate a delicious Thai curry....ultimate fave. I again realised how fast I eat. Moroccan lady put me to shame. Is it emotional eating. The one NLP session I've had, I was told to tell myself to '***k off' when I want to eat just for the hell of it.

Anyway, tonight I practised a visualisation. It was actually what I am going to do tomorrow. The meditation book made a point that you should have a goal in your visualisation and stick to it otherwise you it can lead to poor self control. With this in mind I went off on my own little adventure. Even including how I will be with my family, kind and thankful i hope.

Again going to aim for big practice in the morning.

Peace

See, speak, hear no evil

Again...it was difficult to awaken and I rushed. i don't like to rush in the morning. But I got to work on time and had a more energetic day. Moments of paranoia struck but I have been trying to follow the above. See the good in people, situations. Block out gossip and negativity as well as trying not to join in.

After work I went to the shops and again to Starbucks...maybe I have a habit. Then met some friends and went to Pizza Hut. Not my choice, have to admit but a strong need from one of my friends. Then went to a yoga class which was just what the doctor ordered. I felt a fresh inspiration. Gonna aim again to wake early. Even if only a short class.

Heard from bad boy. We're gonna stay in the hotel next week. My man worry is that he will let me dow but really is that because of loss of face on my part?

Going to go and get ready for bed now....goodnight.

Fatigue

On my way back from London. Been up since very very early but at least now my visa is nearly finished with. Have much to do the next few weeks.

The last few days.
We stayed in GORGEOUS house near Gloucester. It was a fabulous weekend and we partied hard on the Sat night in our fancy dress. I always say I don’t like FD but I really really enjoy it when it happens. Made a new very good friend…I love to meet people on my wave length. It was a long drive yesterday but I still managed to make it to my friends who lives near station for early start this morning.

So….feeling exhausted now, bad boy on my mind A LOT. Is it love? I dunno but I feel a strange affinity with him, almost like a forbidden love. Very very perculiar.

Yoga
Not practiced for a few days…apart from a few salutations to get me going each morning so yeah I suppose this is practice. Staying at friends again tonight so maybe I could do a quick class for her as she has expressed quite a lot of interest.

To doooo: -
Insurance
Packing list
E-mails
Yoga and meditation.

Keep it short

I have just taken sleeping tablet but really wanted to write afew words.
Had a crazy few days with my bad boy! I do really love his company but feel weak willed as I said I would stay away but my god, this boy has a hold on me. Had an amazing few days with him.
Worked till 10 tonight so going to have a really really good sleep...i hope!
Gonna do yoga tomorrow, plan the rest of my outfit and sort out visa stuff for my trip to London on Monday!
Good night....

Life is just a collection of tales.

This thought came to me following my trip to the seaside. I can't help but listen in on people's conversations, it's just on big recollection of what other people have done. Does this make sense? Am I sounding self-righteous? No-one seems to talk about deep issues. Just bitching and gossiping, which I'm sure, I am just as guilty of.

Anyway, I had a very early night last night, as was in work early again. It was a very busy morning but I do love it when it's like this and I get to meet many many people, which is one of my favourite things. We went down to the waterfront after work. My work friend was giving me a lift home, we went via starbucks (Soya Chai tea lattes all around).

Got home, did an energizing yoga sesh. I fell asleep during the relaxation though. We watched a disturbing doc about crystal meth addicts in CA. The depths of drug addiction sure are scary, it's so sad!

Did intend to go to sleep very early,again, but have been tosssing and turning so thought I'd turn to my blog for some therapy. Ex-love is running through my mind agian. Can't help but think that I've lost something special. I never did reply to his last message, not that there was a question anyway but...ahhhh. Lets leave that subject.

Not working till 12, so goal is full primary in the morning. Now I'm going to read some more of my book.

The trouble with me...

is that I just can't make up my mind.

Last night I was good. I went to the pub with some heavy drinkers and I just had water. We had dinner as well. I left the party as I had to be up early this morn for work. When i got back last night, there was that familiar empty feeling. I was watching my new boxset and suddenly burst into tears. It was all to do with the love I lost a few months ago. I felt a great loss. He says to get in contact with him when I return to see how things might turn out but this seems unrealistic to me.

I had a voicemail of bad boy (this is different to my soulmate) this morn. I do, I don't, I do, I don't want to see him. Work was good but very busy today and I know if I go in tomorrow after a full nights partying it may be just short of unbearable. His phone is off at the moment. What time shall i give hime till?? Thinking 8, then it's to my book and bed.

Going to do a full ashtanga practice to revitalise myself now.

No one warned me about the old-age trap calle love

Had a bit of lie-in agian. Don't know whether my tiredness is work, my diet....hmmm
Did plan to do some yoga but am meeting my mum to go to the beach with her soon and have to get ready, can't wait to get some sea air.
Had lots of e-mails about forthcoming year abroad. So, getting very very excited now. Have so much to do for it: -

• Insurance
• Pack short term
• Pack long term
• Good bye party
• Go to London to get my visa

Actually probably not as much as I thought. It is astounding how one can amplify events and preperation in the head and when on paper....it's actually not that much.

Better go and shower, get ready, hang out washing.

Focus today: - Mindfulness of eating

The quote in the title is adapted from a book by Geling Wan

A bit of fun is ok, right??

I could not sleep last night. I'm gonna be honest, I ended up speaking to bad boy. It messed with my head, a lot because I felt weak. But then I think, I'm going in a month, so what's the harm with a bit of fun but it's deeper than that with me. I left my phone at home because I was determined not to meet him after work as it leads to too much drink and no sleep.
So, i eventually got to sleep at probably 2 a.m. and had to be up at 5.30 a.m. to get to work. It was a beautiful, beautiful day though which automatically puts a smile on my face. Work was good, I felt in control. Someone phoned in sick so instead of finishing at 4, I went on till 8. 12 hours is a long long shift. Had a good good chat with one of my work colleagues. A chat is always a good good therapy.
Yoga class no go
I was supposed to go to yoga class at 6 but because of overtime missed it...I was looking forward to it but still went for dinner with very good friend. We have a lot in common. Delicious curry....i love curry. Then we went to gorgeous new bar, in a Thai restaurant. The bar is amazing. He was playing on my mind a lot, I was thinking over and over again, has he phoned me, has he phoned me??
Goals
On the way home we had a really really good chat about our future goals. He made a good point that we need a bit of long term and short term.

Really think that one of my long term goals is to get a working holiday visa to live in Australia. I loved it when I was there and can really see myself living there. The photo is canoeing into the sunrise in the Daintree. An incredible experience!!

I wanna work for a really good hotel and maybe use my yoga teaching. Ooohhh so many possibilities....

I've seen the light....I hope

So, I motivated myself to roll out my mat and suprised myself at my practice, I even managed a dropback into Urdhva Dhanurasana. I still have a lot of fear to overcome though. It always amazes me after the first sun salutaion how you can go deep into the poses even if the hamstrings are tight from the day before.
I did odd bits around the flat but felt extremely low on energy so had to have a lie down where I had a deep deep sleep for about 20 mins until my mum came round. I felt quite down and told her it's because my energy is so down at the moment. It's interfereing with my life.
I managed to drag myself to badminton although we both agreed our energy was down down down. We're putting it down to the weather.
We made amazing burritos for dinner but I ate too much and now I feel greedy and full.
Ahhh...naughty boy just phoned me. I cancelled the call, I need to get him out of my life. He's bad for me and makes me sad in the long run. And again...He just phoned me again, I cancelled. It's going to be difficult but like I've said in an earlier post, work with the feeling, until it heightons amd then disappears altogether. I asked him to call me last Friday and this is the soonest he gets back....nearly a week. That's how much he cares....I don't think so!!

Going to go and meditate with it now.

Saw a bad memory in the coffee shop....

....that was yesterday. Someone who I bump into from time to time but makes my skin crawl...brings back memories I prefer to brush under the carpet althugh I know this is counter-productive to me. It's a big big city but also the smallest place in the world. Well, I'm going to be gone in just over a month, although I will miss it.

Hard morning

Have to say I found it incredibly hard to pull myself from my bed this morning and was well past 10:30 by the time I did. Still feel it now. Think I pushed myself in yoga last night, I really want to do some today but feel likemy body is screaming "Let me rest!!" Do I let it? I'll decide later.
Just checked e-mails and something exciting but naughty might be happening in my life soon.

I did a meditaion session earlier and again I felt a little restless. I noticed temsion in my stomach, my temples and my right hip but I persevered more than last night and felt calmer for it. Better get on with the days tasks...

It was just that the time was wrong.

"The path of the truth lies through oneself rather than through the second hand accounts of other people"

Well I got a response. I knew the feeling wasn't recipricated but he says maybe in a year but as the saying goes...'He's just not that into you (me)' Am I being too self indulgent? hmmm

Didn't have the best sleep as the above was on my mind so quite tired at work. Nothing exciting to report. Hamstrings were feeling it from yesterdays practice. After I finished work I went to the shops to get....well nothing exciting just bits and bobs. Gave into a getting a Soya Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks. They have to my absolute favourite drink. Finished book by Joseph Torra called My Ground. This was certainly up there with one of the strangest books I've ever read. It was jumping from one subject to another with each paragraph, would say it was quite well written if not very dark. Then I went to meet yoga teacher friend who wants me to cover her classes while she is away at the end of August. I have accepted this challange as I've never really taught more than two classes in a week and this will be covering about seven. I then went to her class, just an hour and it really motivated me to try and go to more classes. i use money as an excuse sometimes but think I get a stronger practice when I'm not on my own. I really want to drop back, it's certainly fear that's withholding me.

Also trying to get together my Liza Minnelli in Caberet outfit. Bidding for a few items on e-bay and have already purchased the wig.

Just finished the day off with 10 mins meditation. I wanted to do longer but was feeling particularly restless: -

"I have a body, but I am my body"
"I have thoughts, but I not my thoughts"
"I have a mind, but I am not my mind"

This is an affirmation from the David Fontana book I am reading.
I also like this quite that I read today: -

"The path of the truth lies through oneself rather than through the second hand accounts of other people"

Plenty of fish in the sea...

My mum came round in soon after last post and we went to celebrate her birthday with a spot of lunch so had to out my practice on hold. I reisisted the desert. Had a few more text exchanges with ex-lover. The last one I told him I love him. I never even told him that before. Needless to say, I haven't heard back from him but I was only telling him the truth...how I really feel. I won't hold my breath but as one as one of my favourite sayings goes...there's plenty more fish in the sea....but he was very special to me.
So I came back and managed quite a substantial practice. Still struggling a bit with Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana. I rememeber a Kino McGregor workshop I went to when she said some say that the body shaking is it's way of releaing pain, both physical and mental. I like this thought to help me get through the tougher poses. I didn't do so much of the sitting sequence but was pleased with what I accomplished.
Am cooking a Tofu Thai green curry for our dinner. We are going to have it as a soup witout rice though. Mmmm....

Empty magic

I did set my alarm for 9 but felt truely exhausted so came around about 11.20. So far, not steped on my mat and am thinking it's because I'm scared I'm not going to able to do a full practice like I told myself I would last night....but this sort of defeats the object of yoga as it's not about forcing yourself.
So today I have a day off but have to be up about 5.30 tomorrow to get up for work but feel now I've overslept so won't sleep tonight...blah blah bl...
I just received a text off the guy who completely broke my heart a few months ago, it's the first proper genuine contact he's had. I found this dug into my heart and I must still have strong feelings for him and I couldn't help but wonder if sometime in the future....hmmm...empty magic....empty dreams.....empty words
Got a lot to do today:

• Phone embassy
• Sort out insurance
• Phone good friends
• Meet mum for her birthday
• Get batteries for my camera

I want to take take more pictures for this blog, this one is a sunset in Nagoya, Japan.
Ok...going to drink my green tea then get on with some practice.

Sitting with the itch...apply it to my life.

Meditaion session

Just finshed a meditation session, I did this straight after I got back from work. One thing I noticed was an itch I had in my left eye corner. I observed it without out giving into the temptation of giving a good satisfying itch. I noticed the itch intensified and it took more of my presence and strength to just sit an quietly observe the sesations. After a minute or two, the cravings to itch ceased. One interesting thing about this is that I realised I could apply it to the temptations I maybe find irrisistable yet know they are doing me harm. My binges with my bad boy is my latest one. When he phoned last week, I ignored it at first, then the urges to speak to him increased until it occupied my mind. So....I ended up texting him and meeting with him. Then I felt sad for a few days because I don't understand my feelings. Do I love him? But this is not a possible answer because he really is a bad bad boy and I know that it's better for my own sake to stay away. So, next time he has contact, I'm going to use this meditation technique and see if it works.

Work today

Nothing majorly exciting happened at work. I talked with one of the guys about my big fling with a certain person who has now left and how my heart was broken into pieces. I don't blame him so much but still have feelings somehow for him. Talking about it with soeone who knows him made these feeling resurface somewhat and I had that empty feeling of loss that hurts...
Apart from that my only real issue at work was how much I ate. I felt bad after each purge but couldn't stop. Looking back it's like I was throwing things into an empty hole that was never getting full up. I don't want to do this but I keep on doing this. In fact I can use the technique I'm going to use for bad boy for my food urges. These food binges... not only does it make me feel bad and beat myself up mentally but ut makes me feel slow and lethargic and am hoping it won't have too much affect on my yoga practice tomorrow. I intend to do the full primary sequence which i haven't done for a while...then I can get back on the right tracks.
Time to get to bed....

The quieter you become, the more you can hear (Ram Dass)

I took some time with the breath last night and at one point I couldn't stop crying. There seems to be a lot of pain to be released from deep within me. I felt better for it and had a long long sleep last night. I came to the conclusion that there are certain people who are not good for me and it's best to relaease them from my life. It might be fun in the short run but the heart ache is a little too much to bear at times.
I'm reading a book by David Fontana about meditation and how to learn it. There are some great excercise. One of my current favourites is to imagin that your mind is the trunk of a tree and the branches are all the thoughts. The positive ones or the ones you want are beautiful and a rich green whereas the negative thoughts are grey and withering and you can visualise yourself pruning them off.
I have to go to work soon. Quite a late shift till 11 tonight but I enjoy my job and am going to have a focus today on how I react to positive and negative emotions that people may install i me.

Contemplation

I decided to start this blog after being really inspired by someones yoga blog. This seems to give her direction in her life. It's not just about yoga but all the things that interest her. As yoga is one of my biggest passions I feel I can progress in many ways if I log what's going on in my life. I want to see change in my life....dramatic change in fact. There are so many exciting things that are about to happen in my life but through certain actions I am playing with these excitements could be jepordised.
I have a big move to Japan in just over a month and this will be a good way to help memories and journal what I get up to.
So some steps that I am doing to help bring about change

• Meditation
• More will power
• Making myself emotionally stronger

There is a lot of chatter going on in my head, I have a lot of battle going on in my head. Beating myself up over certain things.
The pic is from California...I love beaches, the sea and sunsets and sunrises.

I will go and meditate now.