Snow!

Of course I've been in snow before but this is my first year to have constant snow during my everyday life, if that makes sense?
Recently, I have been very busy studying, find the language really difficult but enjoy many aspects of it. I got into a great yoga routine but last week I was sick so fell out of the routine. I am going to have a nap now then wake up and work my way throught the first series. Tonight I am going to some bars with a friend. A great opportunity to practice the language and get merry...
Next week is Tokyo, am very excited to return there!!
Ciao for now.

Taking a breath...

before we do things is important.
For me, I have a high tendancy to rush everything in all parts of my life. The yoga really helps me to control this although as in everything there is still much room for improvement.
So this weekend, i want/need to study hard for 3 tests I have next week.
I will organise my time betweent the three. I will do well. When i go out, soft drinks will be drank. Deep breaths will be taken before comments are made.
It's gorgeous, there are many gorgeous people around me. I love filling my life with positive people!

You should try and relax a little bit more...

were the words from one of my teachers. That was over a week ago but it still plays on my mind.

I have been doing a lot of the Baron Baptiste style power yoga. Although the last few days have been busy with guests and so on.

Today I have been in my room studying, cleaning, e-mailing. We had SUCH a great time at the beach this weekend. A few posts ago, I talked about what my goals are (or more that I didn;t know what they are). Well I realised thta one of them definitely involves living very very close to a beach. I felt so happy on Saturday. THis is what the point in life is...surely. Well...on of them at least.

As for the relaxation. Hmmm, I fell out of the meditaiton quite a lot since I moved here. But mediation is very imoportant and should not be neglected. I've been using podcasts a lot recently, and maybe I will try and subscube to spome mediation ones. Yes, that is what I shall do. Right now. Then more study.

Revelation

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I was so happy all day, life just felt good. I also had first contact with bad boy. I could see his face fo the first time in 2 months. So strange how 2 such very different people can be so drawn to one another. But paranoia is a big factor in my life. Sometimes it takes over me like posion and I can feel it destroying relationships slowly. I will not let it anymore. But bad boy, what am I doing (same old story), nothing can happen...we are just too different and have totally different dreams in life....ahhhhh

I have also realised that the 'eye lash buiding liquid' is a stong contender for the cause of the intense dizziness I was going through. I am trying to investigate. Still feeling tired but dizziness has pretty much ceased.

Have been practising yoga each day this week and this has helped with my happiness...it is making me so much stonger!

I have 2 tests tomorrow, so trying to get down to some hard core studying. Feeling more confident about my language learning at the moment....life is great!

Having complete control over my thoughts

Is this possible?
I am a very reactive person. People, I always say, are like chemicals. To clarify, people react differently with one another to make certain, in our human's case, relationships.

For me personally, it really bother me when I don't get on with people. Not that I need to be loved by everyone (maybe I do) but bad reactions always leave a really bitter taste in my mouth. And I dwell...why how I dwell, a lot.

So my life is starting to take structure to these new surroundings. The weekend involveda beautiful trip to the mountains. My disgraceful energy levels stopped me form going on the hike with my friends. I waited in the car. I did not wish to ruin it for them. I made a decision to try and cut dairy out of my diet, again. I really want to get to the bottom of this bane in my life.

I am very happy, apart from this problem though. I have made several really great friends. the workload is quite a lot but I enjoy it. Learning is a huge part of the point of life. To grow and make oneself stronger...mentally and physically. Talking of which, I did a good yoga practice this morning.

Must sleep now ready for a new day tomorrow!

Goals

This is something I've been thinking of on and off for a while now. I don't really know what they are. I think they involve yoga. i want them to invole yoga at any rate. I want to set some goals but I don't know how.
Ahhh, it's a viscious circle. Or is it? No it's not really. What's going on in this crazy head of mine?
I love my family. But I sometimes feel sad because I don't/can't see them enough.
Home is where the hurt is!!
I've will follow my heart but where does my heart want to go.

More mediation is needed. I just saw a video on medidation that said not to meditate before bed as it gives u too much energy. This would figure with previous nights of insomnia following previous meditation! I will meditate tomorrow following the yoga, which i have done 4 times in the lst week. I feel pleased with this progress. I also feel so much better in myself from doing it.

I am sooooo sensitive to noise. Maybe this can be a goal, to not let noise bother me so much.
And following from last blog to not get so upset by stupid meaningless comments. Ok two goals to work on in the next week. Lets see how I get on.

I'm angry

Ok, dizziness has stopped. Tiredness still here.

I did yoga in Tuesday and Weds, the full primary series both times. Today though, my hamstrings are very very tender. So, I couldn't practice today.

I feel upset and hurt by a comment that was made tonight. It made me feel really ugly. I think this is one of my sensitive issues. I really don't wanna be ugly...maybe I should face it.

No no, I wanted this to be a positive blog. I just feel sad and a bit down. Tomorrow...a positive day!!

Wowww

Just realised that that is the first post in ages when I have't talked about being dizzy....

update....

MY DIZZINESS HAS NEARLY CEASED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets be amicable

Here is an image of the typhoon this morning from my balcony. It was really only a bit of rain, nonetheless our classes were cancelled. I've yet to have a lesson... The typhoon actually wrecked some areas, killing 2 people. Our area doesn't seem to have been affected so badly though.

So I did some studying. I had a message from a guy I vaguely know. This message really bothered me and made me realise again how affected I can become form other people and how it makes me paranoid. From maybe one word or one action that they may not mean to do to offend but it ticks around in my head for ages!! A form of OCD, perhaps? Anyway, he sent me another message to apologise and that the comment was not actually directed at me but a general message. So he's trying to be amicable. Tomorrow I will send him an equally amicable message. I want feelings of happiness and satisfaction in my life.

So it is late now. I have been chatting lots to my new friends...

There is always worry in my mind. i am too serious, need to lighten up. My latest is that my skin is horrific and I am sooo ugly. But really it might just be the light in this room.

Typhoon ambuscade

Mother nature is knocking on our doors. The typhoon is here. I can here the gushing sound of the rain on the nature below. It feels exciting. Waiting for the calm after the storm....

As for my internal storm, today I am feeling slightly better. Althought not 100 %.

Did about 15 min yoga practice. Actually today, I found out the majority of my days will be a 10:30 a.m. start so as soon as I am better I can do long yoga practices in the moring and watch my body shine.

Tiredness calls me...

For my new life, the diziness has not a care

Here is an image of dizzy...since this is what my life is at the moment! What is it? What is it?
I really wanna know! So as you can gather, my situation has not changed...still accompanying me as I try to pursue my new life. Also had splitting head aches today.

Had gatherings today and think I will be VERY busy studying which is good.

Anyway, got creative with my evening yoga practice. Am taking it easy until my dizziness subsides. So I did a yin practice, including: -

A standing foraward bend, wide angle seated forward bend, pigeon pose, childs pose and butterfly pose.
I held each pose for 10 deep breaths. Finishing off with savasana. These poses feel great.

Praying that the dizziness is going to decrease tomorrow...

Hip issues

A very successful restorative yoga pose.
One of my favourite hip openers is double pigeon which as Baron Baptiste describes "...opens you up." To come out of this pose, one feels a great release in the hips. This is one of my issues in yoga, my right hip. This pose is very beneficial for this.

Mentally, I feel much better after this. Was starting to feel a little down, over analysing things etc.

One thing I did notice during Savasana (relaxation pose) was a very uncomfortablt sensation in my lower back. I think this is another week part of my body.

Think no ashtanga or power yoga till my medical issues have cleared up.

Funny how things change

"Seek the power within as it knows the perfect way for you"

A quote from the secret. I'm trying to do this but seriously, this tiredness and dizziness is overwhelming me now. I went to the doctors this morning. The language barrier is difficult. He basically told me to wait four weeks and if the dizziness is still here then he will send me to the hospital for tests. He told me to get LOTS of rest and sleep in the meantime. This made me upset as I am raring to go with my new life but find it ever so difficult to do anything that requires energy.
I study..I wanna sleep. I walk around....I wanna sleep. I go shopping....I wanna sleep. I do yoga....I wanna sleep. i try and talk a foreign language....I wanna sleep! Please let this end.

Actually. I will try and do some restorative yoga tonight. I have a C.D. from Shiva Rea. The moon (night sequence) is excellent. Yes. I shall do this now.

Acclimatizing

The view from the balcony in my room!

I don't feel like a prisoner today. Actually, the dizziness and immense tiredness(yawn yawn) still with me and I'm going to doctors tomorrow but I made myself go out today. Went to the Internaitonal festival in the city. It was lovely. I made a calligraphy board and watched some amazing international performances.

Didn't manage yoga again. It's so difficult when one feels this way but at least I got away. Tomorrow we have a test to determine which language class we'll be in. I've done some work but...hmmmm...we'll see.


Really like a lot of the people here. Made some good friends already.

Another country

Today I feel...bad. So so bad. The diziness has got worse and I feel trapped because if i go out I feel so dizzy and faint. I don't have sickness though. I will definitely go and see the doctor on Monday morning.

I tried to do yoga this morning but felt too sluggish and dizzy. so have been trying to learn language but can't focus. Ahhh it seems to be always but but but. I have also eaten really badly.

i wanted to get a bike, I wanted to explore the campus. But I am a prisoner in my own room.

A quote from Lao Tsu

"Silence is a source of great strength."

Much better toady!

This is what my surroundings will be like for the next year. Very green and full of nature.

I finally had a great nights sleep and feel much happier and positive about everything.

I actually did the 75minute Power Yoga routine...all the way through this morning. I awoke all parts of my body and mind ready for action.

Today is very rainy, much different to yesterday but still hot...and beautiful!

Sitting with the emotion

So just about to start my new life away from all friends and family.
I actually feel sad, bad feelings between me and another person. Won't go into it as I feel I have dealt with it.

I realise I am not so good at coping with things events that don't go as planned. Can I change this?

Anyway, I woke at 3.30 a.m. this morning and never went back to sleep. So beyond exhaustion now. The place i am at is absolutely beautiful and already met some cool people. It's just the language barrier that I am finding upsetting but I will take my own advice, as pointed out by a great person. "Yoga took time, so will the language learning. " It's obviousley my sore point. Just can't see how I can get there.

I always feel like I'm rushing to finish these posts so I can get into bed but today it's definitely best if I get everything off my chest.

Lets see...

• Bad skin (is it the new products)
• Yoga practice

Today was amazing, I really broke out into an intense sweat and it felt good. I did some yin yoga when I felt upset this evening to release the tension

• I did a lot of studying today...also felt good
• Vertigo still here...annoying but easier to live with now I'm more used to it.

I'm going to try and translate an e-mail now, that will give me a confidence boost.

Onsen yesterday

oh


The hotsprings in our hotel on the first night. You wash and scrub, get into bath for about 10 mins (or longer), then into the plungepool.

It's been a long day.

Bad sleep last night. Nervous about the next year, didn't think I would be but it's all becoming a reality now. Had to be up very early for 6 hour and 3 train journey to this beautiful onsen town. (see pictures in post below)

The town itself is rather plain but this ryoken we are staying in is beautiful...everything about it, the service, the food (see 'Waltz of the Food'), the hot springs...I love hot springs. They make your body and mind feel amazing.

I need to get some rest now as unfortunately my vertigo still is with me.

A beautiful view!

Bye bye Tokyo

Tomorrow I leave for my university. It will be a two day trip but very exciting. Ryokens (Japanese guest houses), Onsens (hot springs), good food, good company.

My vertigo is still with me but the symptoms are ceasing.

Went shopping this afternoon to get some last minute clothes. Not sure how many shops there will be in my new city.

Have to be up ealy to catch the train so night night

Vertigo

This is what I've got. It's like a dizzy, spinning feeling that doesn't go away. Not dissimilar to being on a boat, rocking in the waves.

Therfore I hae just been resting the last few days. I have another symptom of sore calves like i've been cycling or doing yoga for hours, which I haven't been able to do. It's difficult to do yoga when one feels this way.

My bags were collected this morning so today is my last day in Tokyo and I feel like this. Ah well, such is life!

My daily teachings from 'The Secret' for today is lovley

"When you find your purpose, it is like your heart has been set alight with passion, you know it absolutely, without any doubt"

I am still waiting for my purpose but think it has something to do with sharing yoga.

Last night bad boy called me. We spoke to each other for 45 mins. I am unsure of what to do of the situation. It's like a poisonous fruit. I know long term he's bad idea for me but I do actually think i love him. He makes something glow in my heart...my intuiton will guide me.

Heart warmers

Went out last night...for some food and karaoke.
Today....not much to report except I have flu which has got worse as the day had progressed.
Maybe a reason behind my extreme tiredness this week.
Just watched "As Good As It Gets" with Jack Nicholson. Heart warming stuff, if not a little cringey. JN is pretty sexy though, espescially considering how old he is. He turned 70 this year but his eyes and smile are so youthful.

Talking of heart warming stuff...watch this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGQVX8iGbgk
What do you think?

"Deep and true change comes fromt the inside out, not the other way round"

This is a quote from Baron Baptistes book, 'Journey into Power.'
I read much of this book on my round trip to Narita airport this morning. I read it several years ago, loved it then and am finding it just as, if not more inspiring this time round. As my friends told me the other night, I've grown up a lot, this is good. I feel mentally stronger but still growing. We are always growing.

Last night I didn't get much sleep which I put down to my little catnap earlier in the day. I still rose at 5.45 a.m., with a strong headache, to go to get the bus to take me on the 2 hour journey to the airport. It was like a game, trying to find my bag. I got a complicated map at the teminal that directed me to the cargo area. This was a good 15 min walk away. The building inside was like 'The Grudge'. The corridor went on and on and on. I was then told I needed to get customs to stamp a form, then go somewhere else to actually get the bag. A mission and a half? But I finally have my bag now, with all my clothes for the harsh winter.

So my headache has accompanied me all day, with, worryingly, stronger dizzier spell. Actually, i keep feeling disorientated. What will be will be, I suppose. I've had a pretty lazy afternoon. Was going to go to a restorative yoga class but a freind who I cancelled o last night has asked me to join her and others for dinner. I agreed, although my appetite isn't huge at the moment. Maybe I should stay in and rest. Baptiste talks much about being intuitive. That we always know deep down the right thing to do. I will attempt to go and see how I feel.

I would love to say...

that today I have been full of energy. But that would be a lie. Through the day I have been having dizzy and faint spells. My teacher was actualy worried about me so cut our lesson short so I could go home and rest. Which I did.
I woke up to go and meet an old friend/flame. We went for Iranian food. It was interesting but not my gonna be my favourite type of cuisine. I had a bit more energy but he commented how tired I looked. He tried it on a bit but I had to politely turn him down. Not interested at all...hear that bad boy.
Anyway, it seems I have to pick up my extra bag from the airport which is a 2 hour bus ride away so have to ruse at 5.30 a.m.
Oh yes, I also did 20 mins yoga this moring and 7 mins meditaion this evening.

Shiatsu

This was the highlight of my day today. I would have it every week if I could (and afford it). It was so relaxing and my masseuse said I had very tight neck muscles which it would seem is a factor of my refractory complaint of chronic fatigue.

I didn't make it to yoga as bed was too nice and asking me to stay and my arm was still hurting slightly.

I met my friend and we had a healthy lunch followed by lots of cosmetic shopping. I've just used all the products and am looking forward to seeing the results after a while. My skin felt squeaky clean and I had an amazing, relaxing bath so feel I'm going to sleep soundly.

God I want this tiredness to gooooooo.....

Paranoia is my worst enemy

This thought came to me as I was carrying out my night time ritual. Think it"s self explanatory?

Anyway, had a MUCH better day. Went to yoga. My right arm aches a bit from attempting the scorpion but probably because using muscles that haven't been used for a while.
I met friends about 2.30 in their amazing living complex with a gym, swimming pool, party room to hire, DVD and book library, cinema where you can choose the film....the list goes on oh and not to mention the views.

We took a boat to Odaiba which is where this pic was taken while we were having a delicious Italian meal and a few glasses of wine. Great company and watching sunsets. One of my favourite things.

So, pretty good day all round. Just one thing, my zombie like tiredness!

My tenet for the last few years has been....What's the worst that can happen?
I say this because I was talking about it with a freind this evening. It's so true...

Tomorrow: -
9.15 a.m. yoga
12 a.m Meet freind to on a huge shopping trip for beauty products and maybe some Shiatsu.
6 p.m. Study night

Night night

View... low down

This is what I wake up to every morning in Tokyo...amazing...yep
So why did I feel so low today. I was scared it was the first signs of depression. My sleep has been very eratic as have my thought patterns. So I didn't sleep till about 4.30 this morn so when my alarm went off for me to go to yoga class, I ignored it and carried on sleeping. Then I remember some paranoia dream and I when I woke up, I was actually crying strongly. I was really doubting this move and trying to learn a language.
I suppose this is normal but I won't let the evil voice inside me ruin my future. I will carry on.
I had a pretty lazy day then, read a bit, studied a bit,then went to meet some of my old work colleagues for tonkatsu. That was delicious and was good to meet up with them all. I did feel the extreme tiredness again, I do sometimes wonder if it is chronic fatigue syndrone...or is all in my head?
Tomorrow, I would like a more productive day.
9.15 a.m. yoga class
11a.m. early lunch
12a.m. off to coffee shop to study and read my book
5 p.m. meet the Lauras.

I"m happy

Finally got my charger so I can update more often. Had a pretty relxing week, lunches here, dinners there. I want to get my thoughts in order. I"ve been to yoga classes which isn"t bad considering I've been here a week and a lot of that was consumed by jet lag.

I can tell I"ve grown up in many ways although I still have more to go. I don"t need to drink so much, I do attribute this to the many years of yoga practice and the confidence it has given me.

Writing your thoughts is SO therapeutic.

So what"s on lucky ladies mind tonight?
Hmmm....
----I got a call from bad boy, seems he truely is missing me and is eager to come stay with me here in Japan. This did get me excited as if I"m being honest, he has played much on my mind...could it be love?

----Concerned a bit with the language learning and keeping sane with it. Must try not to put too much pressure on myself as I feel miles better than last time I was living here.

----Plans for next week. I"ve been trying to fill up my diary. Gonna meet lots of blasts from the past.

At the moment I am reading several books: -

• Three Black Skirts by Anna Johnson

A beauty/style kind which is fantastically written

• Lightning on the Sun by Robert Bingham

An amazing novel set in Cambodia...very inspiring

• Journey into power by Baron Baptiste

I have ead this once more and is probably one of the most inspiring books I"ve read. I love the way he describes the yoga poses along with the philosophy. This book helped me greatly last time I was living here.
Ciao for now!

I am here!

It's good to be back in my favourite continent. I do have strong jet lag and have only slept a couple of hours in the last few days. If I go to bed soon though i should be alright. It:s amazing how much better the body feels after yoga, My legs felt as thought they had blown up to extreme proportions after the long flight but 30 mins of intense stretching soon sorted that.
Went for yakitori with some old friends and is so good to see anyone.
Anyway have to wait till I can get on my computer to write properly because don:t feel I can write privately now.

A new life...

will be starting for me in less than 24 hours. I feel excited about it. I wanna make some serious changes this year. Can't write for long because not my computer but I have 4 hours in the airport to write some goals for the next year and some reflections from the past.

Time is closing in!

Am sitting in a local pub to where I am living to update on the last few days.
Friday...road trip to midlands for a very good friends wedding. Stayed in a beautiful cottage with some her other close friends. Early night to be fresh for the big day.
Saturday was AMAZING. Have to admit much merriment was had. A wonderful tea party, then a delicious meal in the evening. Funny how time passes so quickly on days like this. A whole day with strange but interesting people. Time fly's or flew. I was naughty again but I am just enjoying life so not gonna beat myself up over it.
Felt dreadful yesterday, sheer exhaustion. I was also very emotional which I am feeling now too.
I did a time line of my life from 2000 and realised how much I have actually done with my life. There was also some emotional events that came up that made me feel shameful and sad. Think I still need to see a shrink. Actually I really do.

Feeling good

Had a good sleep and am really in moving away mode now. Spent an hour sifting through mails and feel refreshed from dealing with some thiings I've been putting off. Had my hair cut yesterday, probably the shortest I've ever gone but I like it nonetheless. I'm gonna tidy my room and pack for wedding and going abroad. Then try and squeeze some yoga in.
Bad boy is playing on my mind less and less...good sign...

Don't bother!

Well...my last shift at work has come and gone. I feel a bit sad and strange to think I won't be visiting this city that has been such a big piece of my life for the last 2 years. The stories I could tell. Bad boy was supposed to meet me but i got a text that was as simple as
'cant do tonight.'
No emotion, no nothing. I know I said I was gonna close that chapter a few days ago but deep down I think I wanted to see him but then its postponing the finality of it all. So he called me when I didn't respond. He said he would call me tomorrow to which I replied
'DON"T BOTHER'
Childish, I'm sure but sums up how much he's let me down over the year, although I can't deny the exciting times we've had together.
It was a full moon tonight...I love it, magical feeling in the air.
No more work, no more running for the train. My life is ready for great change, I will grow stronger as my year progresses in this familiar let incredibly strange country.
Just one week left now....

Am I lonely?

Another shift at work. Just 2 more left then it's wedding then the big move to Asia.
I had a private yoga class yesterday, hamstrings hurting and feeling utter exhaustion all day. I even slept on train on way home but made myself do some yoga when I got in. What a lease of life this gave me. Just been sorting out some bits and bobs. Got an urge to go out and eat. Eat eat eat...is it becuase I'm lonely? Emotional eating, not fitting in with the yogic way.
On a final note, bad boy didn't get in touch..yet, but I not holdong breath while I wait.

Head all over the place

I thought of particular subjects througout the day to talk about on my blog tonight but my mind is racing. What with? Several themes, like a bouncy ball from one part of the floor to another. Let me try and get some order: -

• One of my usuals...the bad boy (I should really stop calling him this...but should face it, this is what he is)
• Leaving the country for a year next week
• Eating
• Yoga
• Work
• Language learning
• Tiredness
  

This is helping me to order my thoughts. One thing I have been thinking about is whether to drink or not at friends wedding this weekend. I feel like I really can't stay up for long if I don't.
My mind, my body is like a whirlwind. I am incredibley tired though. I had a private yoga class after work today. Really want to get up tomorrow (early) for extra practice. Bad boy called again, should I just cut off ties with him as of now and concentrate on the exciting year ahead??

Crazy times

My internet connection ran out so i couldn't update the last week but lots of things been happening!
It's less than 2 weeks now until I leave....am I prepared...maybe no but I don't feel stressed so good sign.
I've been covering a friends yoga lessons and have to say I really enjoyed it. iwas called a sales women once but this only becauce I truely believe in the countless benefits of yoga and I am not being paid by ANYONE to say this...just a thought from the heart.
I am staying in the hotel at the moment...it has been fantastice but sad to say goodbye to my bad boy who is snoring away as I write. Maybe we will meet when I come back, maybe not. Maybe it's just the end to an 'emotional' chapter of my life but fun times I have had.

3 weeks today

I will be in Tokyo. How exciting it will be to be in Asia again. Tomorrow i will pack but I forgot how to pack for a year. It will come back to me I'm sure. My body is aching from the vinyasa flow i did last night. Particularly my hamstrings.

I went out for dinner (again) with a moroccan girl who is with us for a week at work. We sem to get on quite well. Another contact I have made in this small small world of ours. I ate a delicious Thai curry....ultimate fave. I again realised how fast I eat. Moroccan lady put me to shame. Is it emotional eating. The one NLP session I've had, I was told to tell myself to '***k off' when I want to eat just for the hell of it.

Anyway, tonight I practised a visualisation. It was actually what I am going to do tomorrow. The meditation book made a point that you should have a goal in your visualisation and stick to it otherwise you it can lead to poor self control. With this in mind I went off on my own little adventure. Even including how I will be with my family, kind and thankful i hope.

Again going to aim for big practice in the morning.

Peace

See, speak, hear no evil

Again...it was difficult to awaken and I rushed. i don't like to rush in the morning. But I got to work on time and had a more energetic day. Moments of paranoia struck but I have been trying to follow the above. See the good in people, situations. Block out gossip and negativity as well as trying not to join in.

After work I went to the shops and again to Starbucks...maybe I have a habit. Then met some friends and went to Pizza Hut. Not my choice, have to admit but a strong need from one of my friends. Then went to a yoga class which was just what the doctor ordered. I felt a fresh inspiration. Gonna aim again to wake early. Even if only a short class.

Heard from bad boy. We're gonna stay in the hotel next week. My man worry is that he will let me dow but really is that because of loss of face on my part?

Going to go and get ready for bed now....goodnight.

Fatigue

On my way back from London. Been up since very very early but at least now my visa is nearly finished with. Have much to do the next few weeks.

The last few days.
We stayed in GORGEOUS house near Gloucester. It was a fabulous weekend and we partied hard on the Sat night in our fancy dress. I always say I don’t like FD but I really really enjoy it when it happens. Made a new very good friend…I love to meet people on my wave length. It was a long drive yesterday but I still managed to make it to my friends who lives near station for early start this morning.

So….feeling exhausted now, bad boy on my mind A LOT. Is it love? I dunno but I feel a strange affinity with him, almost like a forbidden love. Very very perculiar.

Yoga
Not practiced for a few days…apart from a few salutations to get me going each morning so yeah I suppose this is practice. Staying at friends again tonight so maybe I could do a quick class for her as she has expressed quite a lot of interest.

To doooo: -
Insurance
Packing list
E-mails
Yoga and meditation.

Keep it short

I have just taken sleeping tablet but really wanted to write afew words.
Had a crazy few days with my bad boy! I do really love his company but feel weak willed as I said I would stay away but my god, this boy has a hold on me. Had an amazing few days with him.
Worked till 10 tonight so going to have a really really good sleep...i hope!
Gonna do yoga tomorrow, plan the rest of my outfit and sort out visa stuff for my trip to London on Monday!
Good night....

Life is just a collection of tales.

This thought came to me following my trip to the seaside. I can't help but listen in on people's conversations, it's just on big recollection of what other people have done. Does this make sense? Am I sounding self-righteous? No-one seems to talk about deep issues. Just bitching and gossiping, which I'm sure, I am just as guilty of.

Anyway, I had a very early night last night, as was in work early again. It was a very busy morning but I do love it when it's like this and I get to meet many many people, which is one of my favourite things. We went down to the waterfront after work. My work friend was giving me a lift home, we went via starbucks (Soya Chai tea lattes all around).

Got home, did an energizing yoga sesh. I fell asleep during the relaxation though. We watched a disturbing doc about crystal meth addicts in CA. The depths of drug addiction sure are scary, it's so sad!

Did intend to go to sleep very early,again, but have been tosssing and turning so thought I'd turn to my blog for some therapy. Ex-love is running through my mind agian. Can't help but think that I've lost something special. I never did reply to his last message, not that there was a question anyway but...ahhhh. Lets leave that subject.

Not working till 12, so goal is full primary in the morning. Now I'm going to read some more of my book.

The trouble with me...

is that I just can't make up my mind.

Last night I was good. I went to the pub with some heavy drinkers and I just had water. We had dinner as well. I left the party as I had to be up early this morn for work. When i got back last night, there was that familiar empty feeling. I was watching my new boxset and suddenly burst into tears. It was all to do with the love I lost a few months ago. I felt a great loss. He says to get in contact with him when I return to see how things might turn out but this seems unrealistic to me.

I had a voicemail of bad boy (this is different to my soulmate) this morn. I do, I don't, I do, I don't want to see him. Work was good but very busy today and I know if I go in tomorrow after a full nights partying it may be just short of unbearable. His phone is off at the moment. What time shall i give hime till?? Thinking 8, then it's to my book and bed.

Going to do a full ashtanga practice to revitalise myself now.

No one warned me about the old-age trap calle love

Had a bit of lie-in agian. Don't know whether my tiredness is work, my diet....hmmm
Did plan to do some yoga but am meeting my mum to go to the beach with her soon and have to get ready, can't wait to get some sea air.
Had lots of e-mails about forthcoming year abroad. So, getting very very excited now. Have so much to do for it: -

• Insurance
• Pack short term
• Pack long term
• Good bye party
• Go to London to get my visa

Actually probably not as much as I thought. It is astounding how one can amplify events and preperation in the head and when on paper....it's actually not that much.

Better go and shower, get ready, hang out washing.

Focus today: - Mindfulness of eating

The quote in the title is adapted from a book by Geling Wan

A bit of fun is ok, right??

I could not sleep last night. I'm gonna be honest, I ended up speaking to bad boy. It messed with my head, a lot because I felt weak. But then I think, I'm going in a month, so what's the harm with a bit of fun but it's deeper than that with me. I left my phone at home because I was determined not to meet him after work as it leads to too much drink and no sleep.
So, i eventually got to sleep at probably 2 a.m. and had to be up at 5.30 a.m. to get to work. It was a beautiful, beautiful day though which automatically puts a smile on my face. Work was good, I felt in control. Someone phoned in sick so instead of finishing at 4, I went on till 8. 12 hours is a long long shift. Had a good good chat with one of my work colleagues. A chat is always a good good therapy.
Yoga class no go
I was supposed to go to yoga class at 6 but because of overtime missed it...I was looking forward to it but still went for dinner with very good friend. We have a lot in common. Delicious curry....i love curry. Then we went to gorgeous new bar, in a Thai restaurant. The bar is amazing. He was playing on my mind a lot, I was thinking over and over again, has he phoned me, has he phoned me??
Goals
On the way home we had a really really good chat about our future goals. He made a good point that we need a bit of long term and short term.

Really think that one of my long term goals is to get a working holiday visa to live in Australia. I loved it when I was there and can really see myself living there. The photo is canoeing into the sunrise in the Daintree. An incredible experience!!

I wanna work for a really good hotel and maybe use my yoga teaching. Ooohhh so many possibilities....

I've seen the light....I hope

So, I motivated myself to roll out my mat and suprised myself at my practice, I even managed a dropback into Urdhva Dhanurasana. I still have a lot of fear to overcome though. It always amazes me after the first sun salutaion how you can go deep into the poses even if the hamstrings are tight from the day before.
I did odd bits around the flat but felt extremely low on energy so had to have a lie down where I had a deep deep sleep for about 20 mins until my mum came round. I felt quite down and told her it's because my energy is so down at the moment. It's interfereing with my life.
I managed to drag myself to badminton although we both agreed our energy was down down down. We're putting it down to the weather.
We made amazing burritos for dinner but I ate too much and now I feel greedy and full.
Ahhh...naughty boy just phoned me. I cancelled the call, I need to get him out of my life. He's bad for me and makes me sad in the long run. And again...He just phoned me again, I cancelled. It's going to be difficult but like I've said in an earlier post, work with the feeling, until it heightons amd then disappears altogether. I asked him to call me last Friday and this is the soonest he gets back....nearly a week. That's how much he cares....I don't think so!!

Going to go and meditate with it now.

Saw a bad memory in the coffee shop....

....that was yesterday. Someone who I bump into from time to time but makes my skin crawl...brings back memories I prefer to brush under the carpet althugh I know this is counter-productive to me. It's a big big city but also the smallest place in the world. Well, I'm going to be gone in just over a month, although I will miss it.

Hard morning

Have to say I found it incredibly hard to pull myself from my bed this morning and was well past 10:30 by the time I did. Still feel it now. Think I pushed myself in yoga last night, I really want to do some today but feel likemy body is screaming "Let me rest!!" Do I let it? I'll decide later.
Just checked e-mails and something exciting but naughty might be happening in my life soon.

I did a meditaion session earlier and again I felt a little restless. I noticed temsion in my stomach, my temples and my right hip but I persevered more than last night and felt calmer for it. Better get on with the days tasks...

It was just that the time was wrong.

"The path of the truth lies through oneself rather than through the second hand accounts of other people"

Well I got a response. I knew the feeling wasn't recipricated but he says maybe in a year but as the saying goes...'He's just not that into you (me)' Am I being too self indulgent? hmmm

Didn't have the best sleep as the above was on my mind so quite tired at work. Nothing exciting to report. Hamstrings were feeling it from yesterdays practice. After I finished work I went to the shops to get....well nothing exciting just bits and bobs. Gave into a getting a Soya Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks. They have to my absolute favourite drink. Finished book by Joseph Torra called My Ground. This was certainly up there with one of the strangest books I've ever read. It was jumping from one subject to another with each paragraph, would say it was quite well written if not very dark. Then I went to meet yoga teacher friend who wants me to cover her classes while she is away at the end of August. I have accepted this challange as I've never really taught more than two classes in a week and this will be covering about seven. I then went to her class, just an hour and it really motivated me to try and go to more classes. i use money as an excuse sometimes but think I get a stronger practice when I'm not on my own. I really want to drop back, it's certainly fear that's withholding me.

Also trying to get together my Liza Minnelli in Caberet outfit. Bidding for a few items on e-bay and have already purchased the wig.

Just finished the day off with 10 mins meditation. I wanted to do longer but was feeling particularly restless: -

"I have a body, but I am my body"
"I have thoughts, but I not my thoughts"
"I have a mind, but I am not my mind"

This is an affirmation from the David Fontana book I am reading.
I also like this quite that I read today: -

"The path of the truth lies through oneself rather than through the second hand accounts of other people"

Plenty of fish in the sea...

My mum came round in soon after last post and we went to celebrate her birthday with a spot of lunch so had to out my practice on hold. I reisisted the desert. Had a few more text exchanges with ex-lover. The last one I told him I love him. I never even told him that before. Needless to say, I haven't heard back from him but I was only telling him the truth...how I really feel. I won't hold my breath but as one as one of my favourite sayings goes...there's plenty more fish in the sea....but he was very special to me.
So I came back and managed quite a substantial practice. Still struggling a bit with Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana. I rememeber a Kino McGregor workshop I went to when she said some say that the body shaking is it's way of releaing pain, both physical and mental. I like this thought to help me get through the tougher poses. I didn't do so much of the sitting sequence but was pleased with what I accomplished.
Am cooking a Tofu Thai green curry for our dinner. We are going to have it as a soup witout rice though. Mmmm....

Empty magic

I did set my alarm for 9 but felt truely exhausted so came around about 11.20. So far, not steped on my mat and am thinking it's because I'm scared I'm not going to able to do a full practice like I told myself I would last night....but this sort of defeats the object of yoga as it's not about forcing yourself.
So today I have a day off but have to be up about 5.30 tomorrow to get up for work but feel now I've overslept so won't sleep tonight...blah blah bl...
I just received a text off the guy who completely broke my heart a few months ago, it's the first proper genuine contact he's had. I found this dug into my heart and I must still have strong feelings for him and I couldn't help but wonder if sometime in the future....hmmm...empty magic....empty dreams.....empty words
Got a lot to do today:

• Phone embassy
• Sort out insurance
• Phone good friends
• Meet mum for her birthday
• Get batteries for my camera

I want to take take more pictures for this blog, this one is a sunset in Nagoya, Japan.
Ok...going to drink my green tea then get on with some practice.

Sitting with the itch...apply it to my life.

Meditaion session

Just finshed a meditation session, I did this straight after I got back from work. One thing I noticed was an itch I had in my left eye corner. I observed it without out giving into the temptation of giving a good satisfying itch. I noticed the itch intensified and it took more of my presence and strength to just sit an quietly observe the sesations. After a minute or two, the cravings to itch ceased. One interesting thing about this is that I realised I could apply it to the temptations I maybe find irrisistable yet know they are doing me harm. My binges with my bad boy is my latest one. When he phoned last week, I ignored it at first, then the urges to speak to him increased until it occupied my mind. So....I ended up texting him and meeting with him. Then I felt sad for a few days because I don't understand my feelings. Do I love him? But this is not a possible answer because he really is a bad bad boy and I know that it's better for my own sake to stay away. So, next time he has contact, I'm going to use this meditation technique and see if it works.

Work today

Nothing majorly exciting happened at work. I talked with one of the guys about my big fling with a certain person who has now left and how my heart was broken into pieces. I don't blame him so much but still have feelings somehow for him. Talking about it with soeone who knows him made these feeling resurface somewhat and I had that empty feeling of loss that hurts...
Apart from that my only real issue at work was how much I ate. I felt bad after each purge but couldn't stop. Looking back it's like I was throwing things into an empty hole that was never getting full up. I don't want to do this but I keep on doing this. In fact I can use the technique I'm going to use for bad boy for my food urges. These food binges... not only does it make me feel bad and beat myself up mentally but ut makes me feel slow and lethargic and am hoping it won't have too much affect on my yoga practice tomorrow. I intend to do the full primary sequence which i haven't done for a while...then I can get back on the right tracks.
Time to get to bed....

The quieter you become, the more you can hear (Ram Dass)

I took some time with the breath last night and at one point I couldn't stop crying. There seems to be a lot of pain to be released from deep within me. I felt better for it and had a long long sleep last night. I came to the conclusion that there are certain people who are not good for me and it's best to relaease them from my life. It might be fun in the short run but the heart ache is a little too much to bear at times.
I'm reading a book by David Fontana about meditation and how to learn it. There are some great excercise. One of my current favourites is to imagin that your mind is the trunk of a tree and the branches are all the thoughts. The positive ones or the ones you want are beautiful and a rich green whereas the negative thoughts are grey and withering and you can visualise yourself pruning them off.
I have to go to work soon. Quite a late shift till 11 tonight but I enjoy my job and am going to have a focus today on how I react to positive and negative emotions that people may install i me.

Contemplation

I decided to start this blog after being really inspired by someones yoga blog. This seems to give her direction in her life. It's not just about yoga but all the things that interest her. As yoga is one of my biggest passions I feel I can progress in many ways if I log what's going on in my life. I want to see change in my life....dramatic change in fact. There are so many exciting things that are about to happen in my life but through certain actions I am playing with these excitements could be jepordised.
I have a big move to Japan in just over a month and this will be a good way to help memories and journal what I get up to.
So some steps that I am doing to help bring about change

• Meditation
• More will power
• Making myself emotionally stronger

There is a lot of chatter going on in my head, I have a lot of battle going on in my head. Beating myself up over certain things.
The pic is from California...I love beaches, the sea and sunsets and sunrises.

I will go and meditate now.